Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
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“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
the council will decide your fate
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Me too door. Me too.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?