I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
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[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Why is no one talking about this?!
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Breaking news:
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter