Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
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I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Dating isn鈥檛 easy when you鈥檙e married.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 馃槀
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 馃槀
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow