It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
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me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118