Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
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I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.