[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
why does this building look like a guilty dog
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour