[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
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Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.