HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
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What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
had to make it
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh