I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
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Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you