Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
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I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.