Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
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Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Every photo I’m tagged in
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
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It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL