I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
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Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
man: wait
time: no
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy