You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.