*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
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I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
(Musicians.)
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.