I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
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Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
incredible
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome