All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
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Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.