me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
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i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.