Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
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The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss