When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
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Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes