cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
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As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.