Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.