If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
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“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?