I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
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My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?