Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
welp
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
thanksgiving in nutshell
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.