Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
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[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.