unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
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Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
sigh