I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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Did a trash talking tree write this?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
c’mon!
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.