I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
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As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Please do it!
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.