ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
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My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.