“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
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Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.