Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
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*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose