realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
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Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.