I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
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Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.