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On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
my sentiments exactly
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.