Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
You Might Also Like
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan