“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
You Might Also Like
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?