the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
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Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Practicing safe sax