It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
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[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what