I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
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“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face