[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
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[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
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Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.