They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
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Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…