Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
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[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.