My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
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Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.