“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
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Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
shit just got real
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop