What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
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There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”