How do horror writers compete with current events?
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Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Raisins are grape jerky.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.