“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
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it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them