Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
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UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
figuring out my emotional availability:
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out