My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
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Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
i hate you platonically
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.