My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
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These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer